Homer Simpson

I wrote a line from Homer here a few weeks ago and looking through my old notebooks I keep coming across things from him that I've written down, so I thought he deserves a post all of his own. I probably missed a few, but for now these are all the lines from him I can find that I wrote down before, I'm sure there will be more to add in the future too as he keeps being funny even though I think the show isn't as good as it used to be.

I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun.

Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!

He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

I have to warn you, I'm not good with details. Or the big picture. I also show late. And drunk.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.'

I'm not a bad guy, I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I wish God were alive to see this.

Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

(on the phone) You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Judge: I sentence you to life.
Homer: You moron, I'm already alive!

This is everybody's fault but mine!

Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.

Bart, get me my suicide axe.

Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober.
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?

How come things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!

(talking to God) You have just made a powerful enemy!

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Stupid sexy Flanders.

Homer: I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me.

Jane: Would you rather have beer, or complete and utter contentment?
Homer: What kind of beer?

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

To alcohol; the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Marge: Homer, did you tell the mob they could eliminate my competition with savage beatings and attempted murders?
Homer: In those words? Yes.

Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough, I'm going to clown college! (Homer storms off from the dinner table)
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Ray: (furious) Friendship?! You told people I lured children into my gingerbread house.
Homer: (light-hearted) Oh that? That was just a lie.

This kid's a wonder! He organized all the law suits against me into one class action suit.

Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything, to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen.
Homer: Not with that attitude.

Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.