Jimmy Carr, Paul Auster and some others

Some quotes from various places that come to mind today.

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I wrote down some of my favourite lines from Jimmy Carr while listening to a few of his stand-up shows this week. It's almost a shame to quote him in print as the way he delivers the punchlines with such a straight face is a big part of what makes him so hilarious, but still a lot of them are pretty funny even when just read as they are. Some of my favourites:

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

What is it about being blind that makes you walk the dog all the time?

If we are all God's children, what is so special about Jesus?

I don't know much about art but I know what I like... boobies!

Osama Bin Laden, officially the world's greatest hide and seek player.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Last week I was asked to judge Mr. Gay UK. I said; "It would be my pleasure. He's against nature, against God and he's going to hell."

They say there's safety in numbers... yeah, tell that to 6 million Jews.

Simon Cowell spends £500,000 a year on his personal safety... has he considered being less of a cunt?

The best thing about being British is our ability to laugh at ourselves. And by "ourselves" I mean others and by "laugh at" I mean invade.

My girlfriend wanted 'the history chat'. You know, about 3-6 months into a relationship, where you tell her your entire sexual history. So I told her about who I lost my virginity to, and everyone else up to and including her. I should have stopped there.

I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my Mum that really hurt.

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"I don't like Arabs, I like white people." Denisa, a girl I met in Brussels a few weeks ago. This just struck me as a very funny thing to say to someone you've just met 20 minutes ago.

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"Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead." Homer Simpson

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"The only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know very well." Alfred Alder

Thanks Heather :)

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I watched I Heart Huckabees last night, there are some great dialogues in it:

Little girl: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts.
Tommy: I hate to break it to you, but He is, He most definitely is.

Albert: Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.
Brad: I've thought about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.

Albert's Dad: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad?
Tommy: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good.

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A few favourite lines and passages I wrote down from Moon Palace by Paul Auster:

He was looking for oblivion, he said, trying to drown in a degradation that would equal the loathing he felt for himself.

I had jumped off the edge, and then, at the very last moment, something reached out and caught me in mid-air. That something is what I define as love. It is the one thing that can stop a man from falling, the one thing powerful enough to negate the laws of gravity.