Frankie Boyle and Despicable Me

Some lines from Frankie Boyle, one of my favourite comedians:

My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young".
I had to explain; "That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now."

Congratulations, you're 18! On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

I don't understand this English racism towards eastern European workers. They're cheap and arrive on time. I had a Polish worker round at my house just last week, and was more than happy with the service. They knew what they were doing, were thorough, cleaned up afterwards, and she didn't have that cold, dead look in her eyes like British prostitutes do.

I'm afraid your husband's been murdered. Can I borrow a shovel?

Yes, there is a vegetarian option; you can fuck off.

Do you know what I think they should have on Big Brother this year? On eviction night, when someone gets sent out, the people inside, instead of hearing screaming or booing or whatever, they should just hear complete silence, and then a single gunshot.

Does anyone else think that Camilla is exactly what Princess Diana would have looked like if she'd survived the crash?

The Queen was celebrating her 60th wedding anniversary this week. After 60 years as a German married to a Greek she must have an arse like a broken cat flap.

You know Brown has said we need a national debate on whether or not Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral. The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed. It really made me think... it made me think; is there nothing on the internet I won't masturbate to?

Viagra is overrated, isn't it? Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect. I often find that in that time the woman has managed to wriggle free.

Do you remember years ago when they were making Braveheart everyone said 'ah it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not goin' to be very convincing...'. And look at him now; an alcoholic racist.

Sex education in my school was a muttered warning about the janitor.

I love old people, I do, but I hate it when they're always boasting about what they did in the war... 'Come on grandad, we're tryin' to have Christmas dinner here, nobody gives a fuck how many Jews you killed!'

Have you ever gone to a fancy-dress party, fucked someone dressed as a ghost, and later found out it was their Muslim next door neighbour?

How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died on September 11th.

Watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy made me think that if I made gay friends they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me.

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Some lines I liked from Despicable Me:

Young Gru: Mom, someday, I'm going to go to the moon.
Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.

That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. - Gru

It's so fluffy I'm gonna die! - Agnes

(on a sign) Bank of Evil - Formerly Lehmann Brothers