GTA4 Lazlow and Dave Eggers

Some of my favourite lines from the Integrity radio station on GTA4, with the hilarious Lazlow going around interviewing people on the streets.

(radio station voice-over introduction)
He's still a dork, and people keep giving him jobs... maybe they feel sorry for him? It's that wise-cracking dufus Lazlow!

Liberty City's a lot like a woman; you love her, you hate her, you come crawling back to her so she can step on your dreams...

I'm literally walking the streets of Liberty City, interviewing people, getting questions answered, discovering why people want to live in a crime-infested overcrowded dump with no trees.

Hey, easy, you're not my type. I prefer unconscious chicks or milfs with stretch marks.

(Interviewing a passer-by)
Lazlow: How come nobody on TV goes to the bathroom?
Man: What are you talking about? Have you been drinking?
Lazlow: Um, yeah, a little...

(Interviewing a pervy guy)
Could you really not rub your junk while you're talking about schools?

You know, this show is not going to be like that one I did at that radio station in butt-fuck nowhere. I spent the last few years of my life in a gin martini, getting shafted by the cruel fates of slow career suicide.

(Interviewing another passer-by)
Lazlow: There may be a lot of freaks in Liberty City but the biggest freak in town is back, me. Excuse me ma'am, am I the biggest freak you've ever met?
Woman: Are you kidding? You should meet my husband, he wears my underwear when he thinks I'm out of the house.
Lazlow: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that you know, I mean I've worn panties.
Woman: Damn, you got some problems son!
Lazlow: Hey, it's not weird if a chick asks you to do it, then it's hot.

(Interviewing the lead singer of LoveFist)
Singer: Are you still incontinent?
Lazlow: Dude, look, that was totally a misunderstanding. I was really drunk and I don't think that was even urine anyway... 'Cos see I have this move when I'm at dinner or at a party with a really hot chick and I pretend to spill something on my jeans y'know, then I can rub one out right in front of her and she thinks I'm trying to get a stain out, it's awesome!

These are the type of encounters that Liberty City is all about, where a man lies under a rain machine singing about a soggy soul and a bunch of unionised assholes move around apple boxes...

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Some lines I liked from The Wild Things by Dave Eggers:

It was a very strange time in Max's life. His sister had tried, by proxy, to kill him and his mother didn't seem to care about that or the end of the universe.

"If we'd known you were the king, we almost definitely wouldn't have tried to eat you."

"What's a fort?", she asked. "And why is a fort better than, say, me eating your head?"

It was the prettiest music Max had ever heard, and the fact that it could exist, that it could be made by these lumbering animals, seemed to render small and forgettable any problems that had ever existed among them.