Will & Grace

I haven't seen this show in such a long time, so these quotes I've copied here from when I used to record my favourite quotes in actual notebooks. I really liked this show, I think it's the only show I've ever enjoyed despite disliking the main characters (just Will and Grace I mean, Jack and Karen were awesome), which says a lot about how good the writing was when I still liked the show despite that.

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Jack: For your information, I was having a heart-to-heart call with someone who actually cares about me.
Will: Jack, nobody actually cares about you at Dial-a-Dude.

Jack: Women, can't live with 'em... end of sentence.

Jack: I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
Will: Forward?

Will: You girls are gonna have a ball, braiding each others hair and talking about boys and doing the Cosmo quiz.
Jack: Oh you mean like 'How to tell if your best friend is a bitch'? Yeah, I already took it. You are.

Karen: (answering the phone) Grace, the bitch we hate is on line 1.

Grace: You really should get another hobby besides outing robots.

Karen: Sorry I'm late, my driver hit a pedestrian on 57th street, and we had to stop and blah, blah...
Grace: Oh my god, is he ok?
Karen: A little rattled, but he always gets like that when he hits someone.

Will: Hey Danny, how are you doin'?
Danny: I'm alright, how about you? Are you still into guys and all that?
Will: Yeah, I'm afraid so. The antibiotics just didn't seem to work.

Karen: They're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

Jack: Will, have you totally forgot how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off''.
Will: Really? What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack: That would be 'good morning'.

Will: Grace, look I'm sorry your mother causes you so much pain and embarrassment  but you've gotta look at it this way; it's incredibly entertaining for me.

Grace: Mom, can I take you to my therapist? Because he thinks I'm making you up.

Grace: Look, I know it's scary. But I promise you once you get into the swing of things it's actually kinda fun.
Karen: You know what else is kinda fun? Tuning you out.

Karen: It's the oldest story in the world. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girl says 'naked?'. Boy says 'yeah'. Girl says 'forget it!'. Boy says 'ok, then just wear this rubber dress and beat the old guy with a scrub brush.' Girl says 'how hard?'.

Jack: You clearly did this to torture me!
Will: I did not, that was just an unexpected bonus.

Grace: You've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Karen: By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but no...

Will: Ok Jack, I need to talk to you and I need you to be someone other than Jack.
Jack: God, you're like the 4th person who's said that to me today!

Jack: Well I must away.
Will's Dad: You got a hot date Jackie?
Jack: No, but the guy who's dating me does.

Karen: Hey poodle.
Jack: Who's your daddy?
Karen: You are.

Jack: I'm an expert Will, I go on literally thousands of dates a year.
Will: That doesn't make you an expert, that makes you an escort.

Will: I don't understand why you didn't just go in the movie theatre.
Jack: I can't pee in public bathrooms.
Will: Why not? You do everything else in them.

Jack: What are you implying?
Bill: You're coming onto me.
Jack: What?! I am shocked and appalled.... but are you interested?

Karen: Listen honey, I know you're feeling a bit down about what happened but hey, look on the bright side...
Grace: What bright side?
Karen:  It's just an expression honey.

Jack: And since this is my apartment now, we have a few new ground rules. Rule number 1, if the pad's rockin', don't come a-knockin'. And rule number 2, the pad will always be rockin'!

Grace: My love for you is like this scar, ugly but permanent.

Will: Did I just scream like a woman?
Grace: Don't flatter yourself, you scream like a girl.

Karen: I don't think you understand what just happened here. The only other person I've ever apologized to was my mother, and that was court ordered.

Grace: Look, I need you to do something for me.
Ben: Anything baby.
Grace: I need you to hit on Karen.
Ben: ... Please tell me you said 'I need you to put a hit on Karen'?

Jack: Before we begin, I would ask you to refrain from the taking of flash photography, as the lesbians may attack you.

Will: You can't? You're not shy around men! You'd hit on the Pope if he drove a better car.

Karen: I love you like the mother I had committed against her will.

Grace: Karen, what are you doing? Are you flashing that woman?
Karen: She started it.
Grace: She's nursing!
Karen: .... Well, that explains the little bald man.

Karen: Maybe you're right, I guess we can get our minds off of things by touching each other inappropriately.

Karen: I can't believe I'm at a public pool, why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

Grace: You said that money was no object.
Karen: Honey, that's just a saying, like 'ooh that sounds like fun' or 'I love you'.

Grace: Forgive her, she has a heart condition. She doesn't have one.

Karen: Don't get me wrong, he's my nephew and I love him like a son of a bitch. And I mean that literally, Stan's sister is a bitch.

Karen: Honey, you're simple, you're shallow, and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul-mates.

Val: You look pretty today Jack.
Jack: Thank you, I was thinking the same thing myself.

Will: (to Karen) I am a lawyer, which means that unlike you I have passed a bar.

Grace: This is me with my little dog Toki. He got run over by a car. Lucky bastard.

Will: (replying to Jack over-reacting that someone in the gym stole his catchphrase) Jack, I don't know what to say, I'm outraged! We are not gonna let her get away with this. We are gonna slap such a lawsuit on her she won't know what hit her.
Jack: Yeah, yeah, waow, thanks Will...
Will: Yeah, either that or I'll pants you in public. Let's go with that. (pulls down Jack's pants and walks away)

Will: Maybe you should stop talking like that.
Jack: Maybe you tell me what happens if I don't.
Will: Maybe I tell the management that wasn't a documentary you were shooting in the locker room.
Jack: ... Maybe I'll stop now.

Karen: What's so great about the outside world anyway? Just a bunch of people with their dumb dreams and even dumber kids.

Karen: I'd give you a credit card but I used my Amex to hit a face I didn't like.

Jack: Interesting, interesting... yet not so.

Karen: Oh honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell out of the gay tree hitting every gay branch on the way down, and you landed on a gay guy, and you did him. No no honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

Will: I have been dying to talk to someone about this book.
Karen: Me too, you know I was gonna have my staff read it, but I was worried that knowledge leads to freedom.

Karen: Tell me, did you intend the reader to have an erotic reaction to the grizzly murder of the well-muscled handyman?
Writer: Did you have one?
Karen: I had three.
Writer: Then yes.

Jack: As you know, this weekend my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for.
Will: Their money back?

Lionel: I came as soon as you called.
Karen: Well, that's not really any of my business, but I'm glad you could make it.

Lionel: I admire your integrity. Would you care to come inside, take your clothes off and discuss it further?
Karen: I would indeed.

Jack: Sex is a drug Karen. I should know, I'm a licensed dealer.

Jack: This is fun. Fixing stuff, sanding things, working up a sweat. It makes me feel like a man. No seriously, I'd like a man after I'm done.

Jack: I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean every time I get in the shower with him he's like 'Jack, get the hell out!'

Karen: Well, I feel a little bit uncomfortable. All of these gay eyes on me, judging me, undressing me, then dressing me up again in a different outfit.

Will: Ah Jack, cute as a button, but not quite as smart.

Jack: I just got recognized on the street!
Will: Jack, someone yelling 'queer!' from a passing car is not a fan.
Jack: ... You didn't hear the way they said it.

Jack: I've touched people in this class today. And when no one was looking I touched myself a little bit too.

Karen: Honey I don't wanna live with Will anymore.
Grace: Why?
Karen: He's got no sense of humour. He didn't laugh at all when that M-80 went off in his toilet.

Jack: In some circles I'm known as a dancer. Actually, they're not so much circles as cages.

Karen: (starting a speech at a gay event) Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided...

Jack: You just asked him out on a date while he's on a date with me? Will Truman, that is despicable! And totally one of my moves!

Jack: I curse your date, a pox on both your entrees!

Jack: Sorry, no public displays of affection, they don't know I'm gay here.
Cam: I'm guessing that means you haven't spoken or moved.

Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish you would definitely go to heaven.

Lorraine: You're a fancy dresser, are you English?
Will: Oh no, I'm gay.
Lorraine: Well, it's the same thing.
Will: ... If that weren't true I'd find it offensive.

Karen: Meh, drive a boat, drive a car, drive a plane, as long as I'm drunk what's the difference?