Series 1
Rimmer: Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
Lister: You what?! You walked in there, wrote "I am a fish" 400 times, did a funny little dance and fainted.
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000. The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
Rimmer: Morning Lister. How's life in hippy heaven, you pregnant, baboon-bellied space beatnik?
Rimmer: Is that painting yours? It's rubbish.
Lister: ... it's a mirror!
Rimmer: I hate everything.
Rimmer: Look at you Lister: obnoxious, ruthless, single-minded, insensitive... you're even more like me than I am.
Kristine: So it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now?
Lister: Well yeah, it's pointless me breathing in and out if you want to know the truth.
Lister: Why can't it be like human beings are a planetary disease, like the Earth's got German measles or facial herpes, right? And that's why all the other planets give us such a wide berth. They say "Oh don't go near Earth, it's got human beings on it, they're contagious!".
Vending Machine: What would you like?
Lister: Chicken vindaloo and a milkshake.
Vending Machine: What flavour milkshake?
Lister: Eh... beer.
Lister: Love is what makes us different from animals.
Rimmer: No Lister, what makes us different from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
Lister: There's this theory we used to have... it's like everyone's got two people inside, you've got your confidence and your paranoia. And your confidence is the guy who says "Hey, you're great, you're dead sexy, everybody loves you!" And your paranoia says "You're stupid, you're useless, you're ugly and everybody hates you!"
Holly: They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly: They're from the NorWEB federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me? Why? What for?
Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?!
Holly: It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
Lister: Yeah. They go mouldy.
Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also, you left £17.50 in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own 98% of all the world's wealth, because you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for £180 billion.
Lister: £180 billion?! You're kidding?!
Holly: April fool.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly: Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt.
Lister: So you just made it all up then?
Holly: Yeah, bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it?
Series 2
Holly: As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?
Lister: I remember when my Dad died, I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my lego set.
Cat: Hey man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat.
Lister: Rimmer's dad has died.
Cat: ... I'd prefer chicken.
Newsreader: Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is presently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine, it belongs at the beginning of the Bible, and it is believed to read: To my darling Candy, all characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.
Rimmer: (to Napoleon in a game) Excuse me, you're probably really busy, but could I just say you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator.
Lister: So you're in pain, yeah? But look Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling, if you go through life never experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish. No better than a bank manager.
Holly: The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
Lister: Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality.
Holly: I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed-up.
Rimmer: What?
Holly: Well it's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.
Holly: The fifth dimension is co-existing realities, two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence.
Rimmer: Sounds like my parents in bed.
Series 3
Lister: (after tasting dog food) Well now I can see why dogs lick their testicles, it's to take away the taste of the food.
Rimmer: Some people took her for cold, thought she was aloof. Not a bit of it, she just despised idiots, no time for fools. Tragic really, otherwise we would have got along famously.
Rimmer: I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or my own personal preference which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." One drawback with that: the abbreviation is CLITORIS.
Kryten: What is this place?
Rimmer: It's a pub.
Kryten: A Pub? Ah yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
Reporter: Like many people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
Rimmer: It's my duty, my duty as a complete and utter bastard.
Holly: Any luck?
Rimmer: Useless. Didn't listen. Didn't even recognize me. He just thought I was some neurotic deranged crazy madman.
Holly: You sure he didn't recognize you?
Kryten: At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.
Lister: Then what?
Kryten: I don't know, maybe I'll get a job as a disc jockey.
Lister: Just out of interest, is Silicon Heaven the same place as human Heaven?
Kryten: Human heaven? Goodness me, humans don't go to Heaven. No, someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts.
Rimmer: I used to be in The Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmer: Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday", they called it.
Series 4
Kryten: Listen, I know this is going to sound like a corny line, but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
Camille: Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.
Rimmer: (Astounded) Do you? Well, thank you. No one's ever said I was charming before. They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git." But never charming, no.
Kryten: Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject – not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened 23rd century guy. Spit it out, man.
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. (hands Lister a Polaroid) Well?
Lister: "Well" what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
Kryten: (talking about Rimmer) Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I'd desribe the accused as a git.
Kryten: Who would you say then is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
Lister: I do.
Kryten: And are there no others who have shared moments of intimacy with him?
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture.
Kryten: This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.
Cat: Come on man, you gotta sacrifice your life. I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew.
Rimmer: It's not easy, you know, to come in every night, look in that mirror and see a guy who nobody likes.
Cat: How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day.
Lister: You wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Rimmer: You make it sound so negative Lister. Don't you see, the deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister: No it isn't pal, you're still here.
Series 5
Cat: Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws; 1: we don't have any defensive shields and 2: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realize that technically speaking that's only one flaw, but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
Kryten: (talking to Rimmer) The side-effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a jibbering simpleton.
Cat: Reduced?
Lister: In theory, if we offered you the post of replacement hologram, would you accept?
Female Hologram: No, I think I'm better off where I am.
Cat: But you're dead!
Female Hologram: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more.
Inquisitor: I have to ask you the question: Justify your existence, what contribution have you made?
Cat: I've given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
Rimmer: Who are you? And why are you being so horrible to me?
Monster: It is you who created me, nurtured me, helped me grow strong. I am the part of you that hates yourself. I am your self-loathing... is it not true you despise yourself? That you detest your own incompetence and stupidity? That you hold yourself in contempt for your countless failures and disappointments? Is it not true that you feel nothing but the deepest, blackest rancour for that walking vomit stain the world calls Arnold Rimmer? Is it not true?
Rimmer: Yes.
Rimmer: Self-loathing? What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
Kryten: Would you like the list sir?
Rimmer: What list?
Kryten: Well, there's the fact that you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact that your three brothers were all such high-fliers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace, and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life no one has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Kryten: Please don't interrupt sir, I'm only half way through my list.
Angelic Rimmer: Philosophy, poetry, music and study. That is how we spend our time. Trying to expand our minds and unlock our full potential in the service of humankind.
Rimmer: What a pair of losers.
Lister: Those planet engineers really screwed up in a big way here, didn't they? Playing God. The evolutionary process threw up a life-form so much stronger and more deadly than any other species. Damn near wiped out everything on the entire planet. Spreading despair and destruction wherever it stuck it's ugly mush.
Kryten: Hmm, sounds rather reminiscent of a species sitting not a million miles away from me now.
Series 6
Rimmer: Lister, tune into Sanity FM.
Rimmer: Not even Lister, with his single remaining taste bud, will sit down and knowingly eat insectoid vernim. Let's face it, with him it's practically cannibalism.
Kryten: Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own.
Lister: So does the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.
Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: (pretending to know about art) Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. It's simplicity, it's bold, stark lines. What do you call it?
Legion: The light switch.
Rimmer: The light switch... I couldn't buy it then?
Legion: Not really, I need it to turn the lights on and off.
Lister: When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide this place is going to get raves. Accomodation - excellent. Food - first class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's got to be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe.
Legion: In many ways I'm relieved. To have shared their psyches, their neuroses, their strange drives, returning to a limbo state of non-existence seems like promotion.
Rimmer: As prisoners of war, I invoke the All Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
K: 39436175880932/B? All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space? Is that entirely relevant sir? I mean here we are, in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
Rimmer: Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.
Rimmer: You can't frighten me, I'm a coward. I'm always scared!
Kryten: (after listening to Rimmer) Oh for a really world-class psychiatrist.
Kryten: Your T-count, which is the hologramatic equivalent of blood pressure, is higher than a hippy on the third day of an open-air festival.
Lister: I can't believe he did that, not even Rimmer.
Kryten: But sir, I didn't get the opportunity to tell you before, but earlier today I discovered that Mr. Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder.
Lister: Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder.
Series 7
Lister: Have you heard the news? All of the curry supplies have been destroyed.
Rimmer: We heard. As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o' clock we could have a minute's flatulence.
Ace: You can't judge a book by it's cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start a book's got a spine.
Kryten: Careful sir, the linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver who's got stuck behind two old priests in a Skoda.
Kryten: I'm going to end up on my own again just like I did on the Nova 5.
Lister: You killed the crew Kryten!
Kristine: How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry.
Lister: He was unique.
Cat: Yeah, irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was the human equivalent of a visible panty line.
Kristine: Didn't he have any redeeming features?
Lister: Well yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.
Lister: Kryten, can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I'm dead.
Lister: You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?
Virus: So as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight.
Kryten: Performing internal sweep.
Lister: What are you getting?
Kryten: Nothing yet, just two pieces of Bombay Aloo you dropped several millenia ago down the service ducts, where they appear to have evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.
Series 8
Rimmer: (talking about Lister's past pranks) And while we're on the subject, when someone's had a tad too much claret and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour generally don't take a Polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under "Missing Persons".
Psychiatrist: What is your relationship with Lister?
Kryten: I love Mr. Lister sir. He taught me everything. Without him, I'd probably be normal.
Rimmer: Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in the brig. Two years with the scum of the universe; hardened criminals, deranged droids, people so unbalanced and debauched they couldn't even get elected as president of the United States.
Cat: I'm so gorgeous there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear every time I'm near.
Captain Hollister: I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday.
Rimmer: That is just not true sir. We played the prank on Mr. Ackermann sir.
Series 9 (Back to Earth)
Katerina: Besides sleeping and annoying you, what else does he do?
Rimmer: Gets ready for bed.
Rimmer: Back in the 21st century they laughed at freaks all the time. They used to have TV shows on Saturday nights where they'd get out all the freaks, make them sing and dance and then point and laugh at them.
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